It's only been less than a week

Dear all, Shen Nong Xi is gone. It breaks my heart to say everything all over again.

It twists my stomach into a thousand knots. Early this morning he was rushed to me. He laid inside his cage, this time sideways flat, not moving much. I began to panic when I saw him in the plight, it was cruel. Initially I didn't bear to look at him. Then I took him out and held him in my palm, he didn't move except for stretching a little. He didn't move when I attempted to place him on the ground. He was still breathing. His heartbeat was very fast.

I began crying there and then. There is no words at all, to describe how awful I felt. It's so tough to keep all the worries inside I couldn't take it and called Edy and cried like a kid on the phone.

I was so afraid that it would stop breathing in my hands, I was so afraid that he would just go like that.

Though I don't know exactly where he is now, I know my friends are doing me a favour. No one told me straight he was gone, actions show. I had that feeling that instinct that speaks.

Pam, you have been strong and so supportive today. You won't cry in front of me because you know I follow suit. But I failed again and again unable to control my tears, you didn't cry either. We tried to make each other better not talking about it. But there are so many things I want to say, I'm afraid I would start a flood again.

My friends were kind doing all the extra work of taking care of him to save me from more heartache. Honestly, I didn't want to see Shen Nong Xi either. I don't want to see him lifeless. I want to remember him as the little happy rabbit who pissed on my laptop.

Now I know how heartbreaking it feels to hold in your hands the last bit of life. Now I know how it feels when you're helpless and can only cry. Now I know how it feels why some people reject seeing them after they've passed on.

Now I know how it feels, so so awful when you really lose someone.